How To Stop Holding Yourself Back

Are you holding yourself back? Standing in your own way? We all have stories we tell ourselves and we believe these stories as capital-T truths. However, most of the stories running rampant in our mind are actually just ideas that we’ve given too much power. Some common stories in our online business space are things like:

• You have to work hard to be successful

• It’s hard to make money

• Businesses take a long time to be profitable

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With that in mind, I’d love to ask you this: how many ideas have you had this year that you haven’t followed through on? Or even taken the first step on? How many times have you been lit up, inspired by an idea… only to sit on it and never even let the idea become a reality.

I’ve found that a lot of business owners find that first step quite easy — fun, even. The idea and concept phase is exciting. And then, the next steps become…. impossible. Scary. Expensive. Hard. And they never happen.

What if those were all just stories we told ourselves? Stories that say, “this is going to be too difficult for me to figure out” or “I am not smart enough to do this.” Those stories are what prevents us from actually taking the action that most of us deeply desire.

Have you ever considered that? That the most difficult thing about taking action or following through is actually the thoughts we have about it? For so many of us it’s the FEAR that holds us back, not the actual action-taking, step-by-step taking, or follow through.

We’re scared of failing, of being rejected, of someone judging us…

Which, let it be said, are valid fears. Those things could all happen, in fact, there’s a big chance they might happen. If we can learn to accept that, then we can push through the fear more easily.

Let’s start with that pesky fear of failure. Here’s a ground-breaking realization: You will fail. 

You’re creating and growing a business, you’re taking risks, you’re on the road less traveled… at some point, you will fail.

And, it’s fine. If you accept that failure is going to happen, it begins to lose its power over you. The work here is to shift our understanding of failure — what if it’s just another stepping stone toward success? What if it’s a part of the process, part of the journey, a mandatory experience to get where you want to go? Would that lighten up some of the fear? What if you looked at failure as an opportunity to learn, to grow, and to move closer toward your desires? Would you be more open to the experience of ‘failing’?

Something I often task my clients with is exploring what would happen IF they failed.

It’s an enlightening experience, truly. I highly recommend reflecting on that for yourself, if this is a fear you have. When I did this exercise for the first time, the first thing I noticed was that failure is really a subjective word. I defined failure in my world (and so do you, in yours). So for me, I learned that failure meant “I couldn’t support myself.” This was super interesting to me, because I’ve been independent and supporting myself since I was 18 — this fear is real and valid, but also I have a lot of experience to show myself that I actually am really, really equipped to support myself. As I furthered into the reflection I also realized that I’ve created a business and ecosystem that would make it really difficult for me to not be able to support myself, even if everything went to shit.

For example, I have business savings and personal savings that can support me for a while if I lost any new income. I have long-term clients, so the chance of them all quitting at once is pretty rare. And I know I have skills and qualifications that would allow me to find a job, if I absolutely needed to.

I shareable of this to show you an example. I found my ‘worst case scenario’ and what I believed failure to actually mean for me — and I realized that the chances of me actually experiencing that are quite slim. So then I take this new understanding and knowledge, and I ask myself… “okay, if THAT’S failure, what’s so scary about launching this new program? Or posting that thing on Instagram?” and I show my brain that these things are not even in the same ballpark as failure, for me – AND even if they don’t work out like I’d like them too, they won’t impact me or my business or my life to the extent that I’m actually scared of.

In fact, it would take a lot of deliberate bad decisions and a complete lack of caring to get me all the way to what I had defined as failure. Equipped with that, I could now look at potentially launching that program or posting that thing and see it for what it really is: a small step. An opportunity to try, to learn, to grow. Not a risk that could mean my demise.

In our online space you hear a lot about success stories, overnight quantum leaps, etc. because that’s what sells and because if they told the full story of every single failure and misstep along the way, well, it’d take a long time to tell all of that. More characters than an Instagram post allows for! But I can guarantee you this — every success story includes a myriad of ‘failures’ that don’t get mentioned. Now, personally, I do think that’s an issue in our space, but that’s a different conversation.

The truth is, in my opinion, those failures had to happen to reach the levels of success you love reading about. Those moments of learning, those growth opportunities were necessary for them—and they will be for you, too.

The fear holding you back is pointless. It’s going to happen and you can trust that you are going to overcome it, work through it, learn from it, and ultimately be okay.

Another fear that comes up often is fear of rejection or judgment. There’s a deep worry that everyone is going to be mean, or think we’re weird, or hate us. This fear is sometimes more deep-rooted (and less obvious) than a fear of failure, but in this digital age it’s a common fear that holds people back.

Here’s how I approach this fear and help my clients with this fear: recognize that you can’t control what anyone else thinks, does, believes, or says. It’s a hard pill to swallow, truthfully—but in accepting this we can push past the fear and stay focused on our journey, rather than trying to control someone else’s.

What I mean by that, is focus on what you can control. I remind myself and my clients of this often. Here’s what I can control: my thoughts, my actions, my emotional intelligence, how I show up, what I say, how I engage and serve and support people. I can show up confident in my ideas, my messages and the impact I want to make on the world around me—and if someone chooses to see something different than that, it’s really out of my control. I am showing up in the best way I can equipped with what I have.

With all of this in mind, let’s talk about why you are holding yourself back. A great journal prompt here’s, “what am I afraid of happening if I do XYZ?” and let yourself really explore all the fears, what-ifs, and worries that come up. Please remember not to treat yourself harshly or judge yourself for inaction in this exercise. Approach this with gentle curiosity and compassion.

Whatever answers come up for you (it might be the fears we just discussed or something different), the next step would be to reflect on what would happen IF that fear came true. For example, what would happen IF I failed? Would I cease to exist? Would be world explode? Those things would probably not happen. What would happen if someone was mean to me? Would it hurt my feelings? Maybe. But would that ruin my life? Probably not.

If you’re into Harry Potter, I have a fun idea for you. I really do think of most of my fears as bogarts. They present as these terrifying, real things—but when you really look at them, play with them, explore them… they lose their power.

The very last piece of this, that’s perhaps the most important—always reconnect with WHY you are doing something. Connecting to your bigger mission, your bigger impact, your bigger goals can really minimize fear quite quickly. Personally, when I get scared or nervous, I remind myself that there’s one person out there I really could help. One person who’s whole life could change because of the work we do together—and who knows how many more lives they’ll go on to impact. It’s a ripple effect that I really want to be a part of. That helps me connect with the bigger things, and really my fears become smaller and more insignificant when I do that. So for you, think about what you do, who you help, and the bigger impact of your message, offer, products, etc. isn’t it so important to help the people you are meant to help? Don’t let a silly fear prevent you from that.

I'd love to hear about the impact you desire to make. Send me a DM on Instagram!

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